If I’m honest I still struggle when I remember that my stomach will never be flat like I dreamed of for so long. It almost feels like grief, a weird type of grief that you feel guilty for feeling - after all your extra weight has given you your life back. My tummy is soft and folds when I bend and I’ve gone up a dress size since the days when I cried over a biscuit but I’ve gained so much life.
Yet I still feel like I’m grieving. Whether I like it or not I spent half my life trying to “achieve” something that was never available to me, a body that would make me so sick I wouldn’t live to enjoy it, and letting go of that is hard.
Getting up is the hardest part.
When just seeing your reflection makes you want to crawl in a hole until you can be nice to yourself. Stop, take a deep breath and smile - you are stronger than you know.
How often do you think of someone else badly because of their weight? I bet it’s not very often, so why would anyone do that to you.
Your weight is the least interesting thing about you.
My weight is the least interesting thing about me.
I’m a working progress but that’s okay - it's okay to have days where it is really tough. When I find life tough I find I write a lot more because it helps to ground me in recovery.
It's natural to grieve for something that was a part of you for so long, even if it was an illness. That illness took up so much of your time and energy its natural to feel disappointed when it ultimately has to go. Just like more conventional grief, overcoming this takes time and strength. Eventually, the pain will fade and you will begin to live a more "normal" life. You might find, like me, that the grief comes back from time to time - almost to remind you to keep on fighting, stopping you becoming complacent - and as horrible as it feels, it is normal and it will pass.
I'm just weeks away from releasing my journal and workbook “.Dawn” into the world and I’m both nervous and excited. This book has consumed every spare particle of my energy this last year and includes everything I would have wanted to make my recovery less daunting. You can pre-order your copy on my website now!
Sending you all so much love